The special three.
The magic number now-a-days is 3. With in the last 3 weeks I have seen the only 3 boys that I've ever really, truly cared about. ( In a romantic way, of course.) I saw MD, my first real boyfriend. The first boy that made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. You know that feeling? That feeling when a guy looks at you and there could be a million other gorgeous girls in the room but you know that his eyes are fixated on you. That's the way he made me feel. And of course, my specialty, I made him feel like absolute shit. I would cheat on him, hook up with his BEST FRIEND, talk down to him-anything and everything I wanted to do, I would. Like a trooper though, he was always there for me. He was always looking out for my best interest. Until very recently, him and I would still talk and be on really good terms. Now that I met a boy that I actually care for though, I haven't really spoken to him. But I received an e-mail from him the other day. Apparently, he had seen me in some place around Wellington and had tried to call my name but I didn't answer. The whole e-mail was basically a trip down memory lane and a plead to hang out. I can't though. As mush as I do miss him as a friend, I know what kind of "friends" him and I are. Although he does have a girlfriend and I do have a boyfriend and I would never cheat on MF, ever! I know that MD would still try and I don't even want to put myself in that situation. It's not fair though, why can I never seem to stay friends with my ex's? Well, at least not stay friends with the ex's that actually meant something to me at some point. Yes, I know I just wrote about how shitty I treated MD and how much I hurt him, but underneath all those cruel things was something like love. When we wasn't there I would miss him so much and when he was there I would be so happy. Granted, I would do some pretty cruel things but that was only to keep him on a tight leash. I cared for him so much and was so scared that he'd go away that I just had to make sure that I had the upper hand and that I had that leash held on tight. I know, I know-this sounds really cruel. But, I was young and didn't know how else to deal with these emotions.
I really want to see if just friends is in the cards for us, but I don't want to risk an awkward situation for it. I suppose it's just strange for me to think that this is the boy that I used to cry to and run to whenever there was anything wrong. This is the boy that called me at one in the morning when he got home from work and read his mail to tell me that he had gotten into UCF. This is the boy whom I had a lot of firsts with. This is the boy that was my boyfriend, my best friend and then my...lover, I suppose. I pretty much went through the most difficult and fun transitions with this boy, so it's weird that it's over and we no longer have any contact. But then I think about the monologue from "Fall Of Infinity" it depicted the exact emotions I was feeling when Mike and I were ending our weird relationship. Instead of trying to describe my emotions I'm going to write out the monolgue...:
"HATE?! You think I hate you? It's probably the farthest thing from hate. If anything it's a longing, or a desire, or...I miss you. Okay, I do! I miss you, M. I miss the way that you would look into my eye and I'd know that everything was going to be okay. I miss the way that I use to be able to say "I love you" to you and actually think I mean it. I miss that no matter how upset I am or how wrong things are going- I could just pick up the phone and you'd be right there, waiting to cheer me up.

Autumn Dank. ;)

Tags: fashion, hpfashion, what do you have to say?, writer's block

He's leaving.
I feel like he's in a rocket ship about to sail to the mooon and Im the announcer counting down to his departure. 5..4..3..2... I haven't seen him in over 24 hours. That never happens anymore. I don't even want to see him though, I think that would just make things 10 times worse. Actually, seeing him, knowing that that is exactly what I'm loosing. I can't do it. This is so much easier. I feel numb to it now. I'd much rather have him leave with me being mad then me being in love. I've already spent too much time upset over him, I can't do that again. I really don't think that I could deal with that another time.

It wasnt even like this when Mike left. I guess, cause him and I left on good terms and him not completely being mine. I loved Mike, yes. But, I wasn't naive to that fact that he was going to go to college with the mind-set of laying every cute availble girl there. I don't want to believe that he's going to do it though. He's already done that here and that had more of an effect on me then anything. Knowing that he had no problem touching some dirty girl but wouldn't touch clean, nice, sweet me. What's wrong with me? Am I that repulsive? Well, apparently not, cause I have been with a good amount of boys. Yes, that might sound bad, but I don't care. I'm trying to figure out whats wrong? Why couldnt he be like that with me? Is it because he actually had feelings for me unlike for those other girls? Or is it just cause he has less feelings for me then he did those other girls? Maybe I was just an easy target, One last goal. I guess karma is catching up, and it's a bitch.

So, today I did pretty well.
Only 400 cals. Tomorrow I'm aiming for less.
Since friday night I've already lost about 3lbs. Probably because friday night I got fucking hammered and then puked it all up.
But, hey! whatever works!

Tomorrow I start hoodia.
I've geard its the best.
What do you guys think?
Anything better?